Are You Parenting by Default?

So, let me ask you this?  How are you parenting?  Do you have a certain style or do you just parent the way you were parented?  Do you  parent by the seat of your pants?  Do you have a lot of conflict over parenting, either with your spouse or other relatives?  This can often be a divisive topic in families.  Both parents come fully loaded with baggage and opinions on parenting, probably also driven by personality, knowledge and/or their ability to handle or tolerate chaos and conflict.  Take some time to consider the roots of your style.

Another issue to uncover is how do you view "fairness?"  Do you aspire to treat all of your offspring"fairly?"  Do you parent all of them the same way? This is most evident in authoritarian households where one of the adults puts out all the rules and conformity is the expectation.  This is often the original plan for families, but as other children are added, it may become altered.  The compliance of a first-born, is seldom evident or present in the third or fourth child.  This will also be impacted by the age of the parents, if children are spread out over a wide time-span.  How many older children lament their own restrictions, yet point out the loosening of those restrictions on their younger siblings?  It is not uncommon to hear things like, "He got away with murder!"  Of course, we know, that is not a literal murder, but a dynamic grouping of all the younger child's transgressions for which he was not held duly accountable by the previous standards the older may have suffered through.

 Another common view of parenting is the authoritative and supportive style, where the parents uphold the family norms but do it in a way that upholds their authority as the leaders of the home, but has a more understanding, supportive feel to it - often engaging the children in dialogue, understanding, and behavior modification of some sort - not just punishment for punishment's sake.

Have you ever done any reflecting on your parenting style and how you discipline with each child?  This might deserve some thought for the good of the family.  Here is a personal discovery - I am  slow starter in the morning.  My child with ADHD comes out of the bed in the morning 100 percent awake and ready for the day.  I liked to work methodically through a routine - dressing, eating, hair, teeth, etc while she was more like a whirlwind and had trouble trying to deal with my pace or my set schedule and its transitions.  The other was big on choice.  Laying out clothes, hair accessories, etc. the night before was a disaster for her.  It was a BIG AHA MOMENT one morning when I figured that out!  Once I started giving choice for several simple things, my morning went from conflict and frustration with that one to smooth sailing.  Learning to allow the other one to have more autonomy over her early morning routine also helped - tailor made approaches to each of them may seem like too much trouble, but figuring it out and adjusting to it actually made our mornings way more conflict-free!  

Think about what your AHA might be!!